I just logged in to a virtual leadership training meeting by Gen (ret) Stan McChrystal. He's begun a startup that teaches leadership in business. As you may recall, he was the general in charge of JSOC that transformed the fight in Iraq by developing a system of going after HVT's, exploiting the information we got there, and then building a web of all of the known associates and partners of those HVT's. He was so successful that they promoted and put him over all the entire war in Afghanistan. His staff said some off-hand remarks about a president with a fragile ego and those comments were published in Rolling Stone. He was fired and sent away in disgrace. Netflix even made a farce about his life with Brad Pitt playing him as a rigid, clueless doofus. Truth be told he was probably one of the most phenomenally talented officers our military has had in 100 years.
During the closing remarks the comment was made that his message was intended for the future leaders of America. That was me once. I was the one that they packed into the audience to learn these techniques. I was the one that was groomed to build, lead, conquer and fix. But I'm not anymore. I have peaked out professionally. Irrevocably decreed that I will only attain major. That I will fill a slot that is of marginal value to society. My education was all but a waste because at the most my interpretation of events and society are limited to a single person who is literally locked in a vault with me and has no recourse but to listen. I have so much to share but nobody cares because I am not a leader.
My son doesn't want me in his life. He avoids eye contact. He doesn't joke with me any more. When I take him to the gym he sits in the back, because it's the farthest away from me he can fit and then texts his mother begging her to 'save' him. We fight in every word we say. The anger and mistrust is thick.
Last week for mothers day I took some old footage of the boys that we had filmed back in 2018 and made a music video for her. I had intended to make this video for some time but just never got around to it. As I combed through the clips I came upon one that caught my heart. I was in a close up of Brigham's face, trying to get him to sing the words to the song. He couldn't do it and I was pushing a bit harder that I probably should have. At some point he stopped trying, I kept the camera rolling and on him but I know that behind the camera I raised my head and gave a look of significant disappointment, if not outright disgust. He read that emotion clearly and looked away though I could see his face these several years later. He looked down and with an empty emotional tank muttered to himself, "I failed."
You didn't fail man, I did. I was supposed to be the great leader. The notable officer. The change maker that the world looked to like we did to Gen McChrystal. I couldn't do it in my professional life and I have not been able to do it in my personal either. I am average. Which to me is a failure. As a father I am below average. Which for my sons is a failure. I am trying and will continue to do my best. I suppose that these realizations in life, that you have attained much less that your potential, are part of life. And disheartening.
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