Toughest Job Ever ...

I have had some crazy and pretty tough jobs in my time: ticket booth at the state park, dry cleaners, park and movie theater concessions, sprinkler repair, Office Depot, and 20 or so random temp jobs. In my years of teaching, I had some very challenging students, parents, and situations. But I don't think that any of that prepared me for the difficulty I encounter on a daily, hourly even moment by moment basis as a mom.

I don't really know what else to say other than the job is hard. I spent many years as a teacher but not a mother. I had almost daily conversations with parents in which I would tell them how to raise their kids or the best way to go about parenting. It seems that I had the right answers to all of the questions. My question now is, Where did all of that knowledge go? Why is it so much more difficult for me with my own kids? Is there ever an end to toddlerhood?

I feel really bad when I read other blogs and listen to other people talk about how much they love being a mom and how wonderful everything is. Sometimes I feel like the only one who struggles. I see the way other kids and other parents look at my boys. They don't see the good that I see in them. They see loud--or I guess hear loud. They see crazy. They see busy and always moving. They see out of control blonde tornadoes of destruction and pain if you are playing with their toy.

It is not that I am not trying my hardest every day to teach my boys nice manners and good behavior. We work daily on sharing and saying nice things and having soft hands. We work constantly on talking softly and not being quite as crazy as normal. At this point, I wonder how much of them is nature and how much is nurture. How much of their craziness has to do with their genes and the wonders of toddlerhood and how much has to do with the fact that they spend all day with me?

There are moments here and there when I feel terrible about some of the things I said to parents years ago as the teacher of their child. I figured I could imagine what it was like to be a parent but I don't think you ever really know until you hold your first baby in the hospital. At that moment I started to understand just a little bit that this mom thing was going to be a tough gig.

I just hope that someday when I go back to teaching I can remember that parents are sending me the best kids they have and most of them are trying their hardest to do well by their little ones. I also hope that I can survive toddlerhood with these two little head strong smarties without too many scars, either to my body or to my ego. I hope that I am doing well enough by them.

written April 16, 2010